It's Been A Long Time

altostratus opacus, or Nimostratus, thickened, rainy form - blocking the sun or moon
Picture taken in Westport MA on a very dreary afternoon at 3 pm - it felt very lonely and somewhat spooky although very beautiful.

This post is dated December. I started this post in December and abandoned it - it's now May 23, 2009
It's been a long time since I've written anything here. So much has happened! I'm working but I'm not fully employed as in holidays and health benefits, but I'll be employed until June and this job will have to do for now. To be exact I'm working 180 days this year.

I'm currently working as a substitute teacher in a classroom for emotionally disturbed kindergartners. I'm actually working as an assistant to the teacher in the room. She hasn't had any luck with assistants because it's really tough work. It seems that no one wants to restrain children who are violent - it's too depressing and very difficult and challenging emotionally, but the strange thing is I'm actually enjoying the work. Of course there are days when I can't wait until I get these kids on the bus to be carted off to their parents, but there are days when when I actually feel real good and think we've made progress and maybe I smiled a few times and had a few laughs during the day.

I'm rather happy about my placement at the moment because I've been very helpful to the teacher and the children. They were having a lot of difficulty keeping assistants and three left voluntarily because its physically taxing and emotionally draining. Not that I'm a miracle worker (I'm as flawed as the next person) I had my doubts and moments when I wanted out as well. In fact I had told the teacher that I may have made a mistake taking the position without serious thought, but that I had made a commitment and needed this job so I was going to see it through to the end of the year.

I was regretting my decision whole heatedly, but I prayed for something to change in me and it happened. I don't know if I can explain what happened but here goes. I need this job because without it there was little money coming in and my husband had recently lost his good paying job. I was stuck with this placement and didn't want to continue having anxiety every morning wondering about what would happen in the classroom each day. I wasn't enjoying the work and while I went to work each day I also prayed for grace. You see, I was having difficulty liking the children because of their behavior and I was having difficulty forming a healthy attachment to them. I'm not the type of person that would show a child my dislike for them but I admit I was having great difficulty even showing a smile. I was going through the motions and being very professional but it felt disingenuous so I began my prayers.

I don't know when it happened but one day I woke up and didn't feel anxious about facing my day with the children. It felt great not to fake it - to look into the eyes of a disturbed child and have a warm heart. Oh what relief - what a blessing. It's May and I'm still there and the kids are showing improvements. We have fun together when appropriate and they are learning how to behave and interact like kindergarten and 1st graders should. I didn't have much hope for them and believe me when I say they have their moments when we think there is no hope for them but now I feel as though I should foster hope in them and others because without hope there is despair. I think we're going to make it.